New Songs I'm Working On

Guess what? I've been writing!! I've never done this but I figure I can take advantage of this technologically interactive advanced medium we call a blog and let you in on my creative process. Below are snippets of lyrics from 2 songs I'm working on right now. Don't know if I'll ever use them, but so far they're grooving in my head. My head is in a strange place right now. Anyhoo, what do U think?

"Another One"

... I've come 2 take the blood of another man's son
tied 2 the end of another man's gun.
All that is evil, we'll shoot 'em on the run
with all that is righteous pumping out my gun.
A line in the sand and everyone demands
that another rises, another falls.
Who's in command, the tin or the sand man
as another one beckons, another calls?
It all comes down 2 another one.
I said it all comes down 2 another one.
I said it all comes down 2 whichever one.
I said it all comes down 2 another man's son. ...

in progress ... Here's another:

"Where Do U Go?"

Can someone tell me how do U win if the goal keeps moving out of sight?
In a world where U sink or swim how do so many just coast along the tide?
Tell me how do I find my way when I'm lost in the wilderness of every day?
Hey, hey, hey ... can I afford tomorrow?
Hey, hey, hey ... or should I live today?
Hey, hey, hey ... there's just so many ways.
So where do U go 2 find the answers?
Where do U go 2 find your way home?
Where do U go in search of the answers?
Where do U go?

Don't know why, I just felt like sharing. Maybe it's the utter isolation I feel from being in Rockwall! Ergh! But the good news is I'm going to see Superman Returns tonight with a cool fella I met Friday and some of his friends, so I can give this social hibernation a break.

"I haven't seen U in quite a while. I was down the hole just passing time. Last time we met it was a low lit room, we were as close together as a bride and groom." - U2, Until the End of the World

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A Couple of Pics from the Across the Street Bar

Me and Patrick Booth

Me and Kris Landherr

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Oh, Shit

Why is it that I tend 2 get so much more accomplished when I'm busy? I've had nothing but time to prepare for my show tomorrow and have I? Nope.

It's not that I didn't try, mind U. It's just that all I'm going to be doing is singing really and I can sing these songs in my sleep. After all, I wrote and produced them, who knows them better than me? So, why am I so nervous?

I think it's because I haven't performed my music since October of last year ... that's truly a long fucking time. Last year I had the pleasure of performing with a band, if only briefly. I also on one occasion had back up dancers and and a head set mic and did my whole Britney/Janet thing ... only I actually DID sing and dance at the same time.

It's different when you're on stage by yourself. All I have is my little CD, a microphone and I have to somehow entertain a group of perfect strangers, most of whom could care less about me and my music, for about 45 minutes. I can't be spontaneous performing to a track like I can with a band, and I don't have the strict routine nailed down that I did when I had to dance and sing ... it was all choreographed to the "T".

Not tomorrow night though. To make matters worse, this is a band venue. I've never done the perform to track thing at a band venue before, it's always been at more intimate settings.

Shit. And I haven't even run through the songs yet. I kept turning on the songs today but just didn't feel like singing. What's up with a singer who doesn't feel like singing? Well, I've also been a songwriter who hasn't felt like writing much lately, too.

Something's going on. My moons need 2 re-align. Hopefully they come back into orbit b4 tomorrow night.

Shit! What the hell am I going to wear?

"I'm not afraid of what I'll face, but I'm afraid 2 stay." - Madonna, Jump

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Music & Mojitos

I really didn't plan well for my 2 months down here in the south. I got a surge of creativity and no keyboard or piano. I'm finding places where I can send my CD and I don't have any to send, I only brought enough to sell at my gig next weekend. Urgh, I finally have the time I need to make some headway but I don't have my resources.

Ah well, I'm sure I will find a way. I'm nothing if not resourceful!

The good news is I have beaucoups appointments lined up now 4 my business, so that's started to go better.

I'm also started 2 put together a game plan for next year. Pride festivals, showcases, gigs galore ... only I don't know if I'm going to go the pop/rock band route or go the dance r&b/pop route. I HAVE decided to have my CD release on my birthday this year though, that's gonna be hot. I'm starting to plan for that now. AHHHH, so much 2 do!

I'm still looking 4 a rich daddy 2 pay 4 all this shit! ;-)

Tonight feels like a mojito night. Ah yes, it's calling my name! Some nice tunes in my ear, some hot man 2 pay some attention 2 me, and a few mojitos 2 make me feel good! That's the ticket!

"See I'd have all the money in the world if I was a wealthy girl." - Gwen Stefani, Rich Girl


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Splendid!

I've had no fucking clue what to name my next project. Seeing as it's all recorded and being mixed now I figured I'd better come up with something. I wanted 2 be different and not name it after one of the songs, but to take a phrase from one of the lyrics on it or an overall feeling and it call it that. I came up with several ideas like:

Look We Can Touch the Sky - I liked it at first but then it started 2 sound like a folk record. Yuk.

Taboo - Not catchy enough, plus the name of a dance song I wrote years ago. Doesn't fit the "vibe" either.

Looking at Stars - yeah, who gives a fuck.

I Wanna Be Beautiful 2 U - 2 long and it makes me think of James Blunt. Though the "blunt" reference could tie in 2 the "grass" reference in that particular song, but that's reeeeally stretching it.

Taste the Illusion - a rainbow of flavor, Skittles! Um, no, I don't think so.

My Love Is Good - reminds me of Whitney's "You Give Good Love" ... Crack is Whack.

What is Your Affliction? - nope, doesn't quite work, though I may retitle one of the songs that.

Forget Your ABCs - Nope, I don't want 2 be accused of promoting illiteracy.

I Just Want U 2 ... --- hmmm, that theme works with every song on it, but it has no magic. Sucks ass! I suck!

So, back to the drawing board. I was ready to just call it "Splendor" after the first song (I had always thought about "Splendor in the Grass", but yeah, that's been done, several times I'm sure.) Then it hit me. And I liked it. I don't know if anyone else will dig it or not, but 4 right now, 4 this moment in which I really don't have much else 2 do ... it's working 4 me. Here it is:

"The Splendid EP"

4 anyone not in the know, EP simply means a short record, it's not a full length. Some EPs have been known to actually have "EP" in the title, unless I dreamt that up. Whatever. I like it.

Yeah, I'll hate it tomorrow.

"I think you're beautiful, I think you're splendid! It was remarkable, just being kids again." - Saturn, Splendor

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Gay Bashing in New York

Famous gay diva Kevin Aviance was gay bashed in New York and is now recovering in a hospital. You can read the full story here.

Wow. What really shocks me is that this happened in New York City of all places, one of the queerest cities in the world. This makes me wonder how much this actually does happen and we just don't hear about it because the victims aren't famous. I don't personally know Kevin, but I am acutely aware of who he is and how important a figure he is to OUT and PROUD music because he's been doing it for years and scoring hit after hit on the dance chart and I know several people who do know him personally, so that makes it feel like he's family 2 me.
It IS refreshing and wonderful 2 see so many OUT musicians rallying around Kevin and showering support and help and love right now. What a family! That is beautiful 2 me and I'm so thrilled that I belong 2 this family. Discovering OUTmusic a few years ago really has made an amazing difference not only in my music but also in my life.

Whatever happens, whether it be a benefit concert, a fundraiser or whatever, though I'm nowhere near New York, I will definitely lend any support that I can.

There R 2 things that stick out in my mind right now ... he was attacked a group of young guys ... he could have very easily been taken from us. Thank God it wasn't worse. Second, this could have very easily been me ... and it might be me one day unless we can do something about the hate climate in this country. We have evolved SO very much since the days of MLK, I just hope we continue in a forward motion and don't start backpeddling because I've become keenly aware of increased hostility towards blacks AND gays lately and it's a bit disturbing.

I've been truly blessed in my life 2 have never had an altercation or even a hint of a fight with anyone, even after I came out ... I'm not gonna pretend though that I won't be checking over my shoulder after my next gig in 2 weeks.

"We've got 2 find a way 2 bring some lovin' here 2day." - Marvin Gaye, What's Goin' On

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Ramblings from the Nether Regions

Sunday night in Rockwall, Texas.

My friend B is going to a leather daddy bar back home in Bmore. I'm thinking about going to the bars in Dallas, but do I really want to make that 40 minute jaunt tonight? Last time I went out there by myself, the natives did NOT display that infamous southern charm. 2 people spoke 2 me all night, one drunk guy who got mad at me cuz I had no interest in watching a drag show. Another old guy at the bar mistakenly thought because I was friendly that I was interested. Many people did look, but nobody said a word. See, this is different. Back home I could go out by myself on any night and run into someone that I knew or strike up conversation with a stranger, but Toto, we R not in Kansas anymore.

The business side of things is going much slower than I'd hoped, but it's coming along. Good things do take time. Meanwhile, I don't know hardly anyone in these nether regions. So, I took to chatting on gay.com again after staying away 4 almost a year and I've discovered 3 things:

1. If U don't have a picture, no one will talk 2 U, even though U make it perfectly clear U R only interested in chatting and making friends ... I didn't know I had to be attractive to be a good conversationalist.

2. If u R not looking 4 sex no one will chat with U. Sure, they'll start off chatting thinking that they'll change your mind, but when they find out they can't because U have a bf, it's buh-bye.

3. I had a third thing, but it's slipped my mind. My damn back hurts.

Ok, so right now I'm watching videos on Launch ... Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 (damn, that lead singer guy is fucking beautiful). And I must confess 2 being a new fan of the song Buttons by PCD. HOT HOT HOT! I'm in a creative mood ... only I don't have a keyboard or piano or anything down here. Damn, foiled again, Batman!

I DID hang out 4 a wee bit with one of my best friends from college. She has not changed a bit! It was like, 4 a moment, that we'd never left each other even though it's been 6 years. Upon reflection, though, it occurs 2 me just how much I'VE changed in the last 6 years. Unbelievably so.

I was putting together my set list earlier today 4 my gig in 2 weeks at the Across the Street Bar. I have 2 find someone who has a cd player cuz I refuse 2 buy one for one gig that's not even paying. Surely someone will have one I can borrow. I'm very excited about performing again because it's been a long time. I only hope my back is better by then because I tend 2 go quite spastic on stage.

I also began 2 think about my next musical projects and it occured 2 me that I may never have the resources 2 record and release even half the songs that I've written 2 date ... and that made me unbelievably sad.

Twizzlers R good, they make my mouth happy. And I miss my boyfriend.

More videos on launch ... maybe I'll write some lyrics 2night.

That's all. Good night.

"Sunday morning, rain is falling. Steal some cover, share some skin." - Maroon 5, Sunday Morning

2 Ole' Farts

This apple didn't fall very far from the tree apparently. Yesterday me and my dad were BOTH sitting around the house with some major back pain. He's having upper back issues while I'm having lower back issues. It was truly a surreal and funny site, given the fact that we also look alike, only he's now about 3x as heavy as me. Maybe 4. Don't get the wrong idea though cuz I'm pretty fucking skinny.

That's probably what brought my back pain on again though, my vanity. I always seem to injure it at the gym working out trying to get some more muscles. I don't even know why I bother half the time, cuz I still look the same as when I don't work out. I secretly keep hoping I'll wake up with those six pack washboards abs that I so love on other men.

U'd think I was 80 the way I'm walking and moaning right now. Your back ain't shit to play with, and as this is the second time in just 3 months that I've had this issue, methinks maybe next time I should hire a personal trainer to work on my lower back strength ... only I can't afford one. If only I could offer sex instead of money ... and I have a few trainers in mind, too. Mmmm hmmmm. My back would get a work out then!

"It's Friday and I'm ready 2 swing, I pick up my girls 2 hit the party scene ..." - Aaliyah, Back and Forth

In and Out?

Ok, it's been a long ass time since I've posted but a lot has gone on. Most notably, I quit my job, moved to TX for 2 months to expand my business (*which if U wanna make some money, shoot me an email) and I was also working on finished up my third cd.

The cd is being mixed, the job is officially long gone, and now I'm TX staying with my dad and working with him to expand this business ... which brings me 2 the point of this post.

I've long since been OUT. In fact, there are only 5 people in this world close 2 me who don't know that I'm into boys and for the next 2 months I'm living with 2 of them. Yowsers! It's been a long time since I've been in the closet, but oh, the habits come back quickly. Thankfully, I have my own laptop and it stays on lockdown!

I know, I know ... how could anyone who knows me possibly NOT know I'm gay? I dunno. Maybe they do know, but I just haven't said anything ... and I don't intend 2.

Does that make me a hypocrite? Especially with my song "I'm Coming Out" ... I mean I didn't call it "I'm Coming Out ... except for a toe". It's so ridiculous, my dad asked 2 hear my latest CD and I'm still figuring out ways to put that experience off! I can just imagine him listening 2 a song like "Boy 2 Boy" or even worse, heaven forbid, seeing my music video. The poor man would probably pass out.

In any case, me and my dad have not been very close through the years and it just so happens I feel like we are finally getting closer now than we've ever been before. I always thought by working a business together it would naturally bring us closer and I was right. We ARE alike in so many ways it's kind of eerie. So, why jeopardize all that now? I also don't want 2 put our business into jeopardy either because I have absolutely no idea how he'd react if I told him. At this point, I figure it would be kind of selfish of me 2 say anything about it. That's the rationale I used with my grandparents anyway. They are from a different generation and I KNOW how they feel about it ... so why break their hearts this late in the game?

I did broach the subject with my Dad recently. He's a Jehovah's Witness so I asked, in the middle of a lengthy conversation on religion and the Bible, how they viewed homosexuality ...

"It's NOT accepted."

Of course it isn't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to reconcile my sexuality with any sort of religion, I'm still working on that one. I do know I stopped feeling sorry for it years and years ago and life has been so much better for it.

So, to keep up the facade or 2 smash it all in, that is the question. I could go on indefinitely not letting my dad and my grandparents truly know who I am under the notion that it's better 4 them that they don't know ... but is it really?

What do U think?

"Everybody's got a right 2 luv, everybody's got a right 2 lie. The choice U make, it ain't no piece of cake, it ain't no muthafuckin' muthafuckin' piece of pie." - Prince, The Truth